Stitches

Once every so often something so completely absurd and brilliant comes shambling out of cinemaland that it simply has to be seen to make it seem real. Whether that's Nicolas Cage appearing as flamed-headed superhero, or Ben Affleck turning out to be a really good director, some things are just so weird to imagine as a sensible idea that we just can't help but watch. Note: I'm definitely not saying that Ghost Rider was a good thing, not even a little bit. On this occasion, however, something so utterly stupid just happens to become a perfect recipe for cult fantastitude that you'll probably think I'm making it up. Ladies and gents, I present to you... Stitches.

A quick sum up of what this insane film is comprised of: it cost a meagre 600 000 Euros, is both a tribute and send-up of 80s slasher flicks, the main character/antagonist is a sleazy children's entertainer who comes back from the dead in his clown form to take his revenge...and he's played by Geordie comedian Ross Noble. If done in the wrong manner, this film sounds like it could be absolutely terrible, but, if done right, it could be fantastic.

So, as hinted, the plot goes... Richard 'Stitches' Grindle is a terrible clown who works birthday parties, and one party in particular sees him having to cope with a group of especially evil children. The kids end up accidentally causing the death of the clown, tripping him head first onto a kitchen knife in the dish washer. Jump to a few years down the line, and all the kids are now teenagers, and Tom, the birthday boy on that day, still troubled by the memory of it. He hosts a house party on the weekend of his birthday, which inadvertently reunites the original gathering. Stitches returns from his grave to get his revenge at the party, and clowny brilliance ensues.

It's simple, straightforward slasher stuff in terms of story, when you think about it. Traumatic event > Years later > 'Unexpected' return > Bloody havoc. However, this is about a clown. A clown who takes his revenge  in ways which are specifically appropriate to those who wronged him in life. And the whole film is done with a blatant sense of humour...it knows it's a clown, it knows it's lead is a stand-up comedian, and it knows just how stupid it is. As such, there aren't any scares to speak of, because that's not the point. There is, however, a loving bucketload of 80s style gore. We're talking a victim getting there head inflated with a balloon pump gore here, and quite a lot of it done without the use of CGI. Basically read that as: done the way horror films were done when they were fun. You'll definitely squirm at some of it, but a lot of the time you won't know if you want to wriggle uncomfortably at the thought, or wet yourself at how that gore was unleashed. This is not gore for gore sake: see the Hostel films for that sort of malarkey. This is gore done for hilarity...plus...it's a ruddy CLOWN bringing it forward.

In terms of performances, the whole supporting cast brings exactly what is expected of them. They're a group of typical film teenagers: the clown, the fat one, the artsy girl, the bully, the slutty girl, the weird boy, the uncool main boy with issues. These are token stereotypes of the slasher film, and are used simply to fill the role. But these characters have a little more flesh on the bones, and are actually quite funny to watch, or, more importantly, enjoyable to watch be set upon by a rampaging undead clown (definitely a sentence which should be said more frequently). But of course, the undoubted star of the whole thing is Ross Noble, whose performance is only funnier if you've seen his stand up, because you know you've seen elements of his insanity before. Everything from the daft gruff voice, to the clown-like ways he moves, every little thing Noble does is comedy gold. Clowns are naturally really, really, ridiculously super creepy, so Noble bringing his natural daftness turns it around a little into the ludicrous, but in a very good way. Arguably my favourite scene of the lot coming in the form of the high speed...bicycle chase, wherein a knife-wielding Stitches pursues two would-be victims on a tiny tricycle; pure absurdity, but performed in a way that makes it hilarious.

There's very much a feel of The League of Gentlemen and Psychoville to this film, and that is definitely a good thing. The humour is cheesey, but in a totally right way...not to mention a little sick. It gets just about everything right. The only complaint I would possibly have is that it's arguably a little too short and makes you wish you had a bit more fun...so I guess that's sort of a good thing too. Mind you, it really is a solid and brilliant tribute to the slasher, right down to the standard formula of those who have debauchery-related fun times are the first to get it. But of course...this is with an intentionally stupid clown as the main piece.

4/5 - Now I'm not saying it's Oscar-worthy, or that it's the same quality overall as a critic's darling sort of movie, but for what it is, this film is amazing. It's a low budget horror/comedy, which is a genre with standards set by Shaun of the Dead. Whilst this is certainly not at that level, it is extremely entertaining, and, most importantly, very funny. It features some of the best death scenes you're ever likely to see, and they're all done in great humour. Do yourself a favour, see it if you get the chance, it's certain to become a strong cult classic.