Top Ten Halloween Horrors

A moderately spooky evening to you all. What with one of my favourite faux-holidays of the year coming up, and the inevitable (and greatly anticipated) influx of horror films due to be shown on TV, I thought I'd share with you my favourite movies to watch around Halloween time. Yep, be they new, old, inbetweeny, I love a good horror film. In fact, I love a bad horror film, I mean, who doesn't get entertainment out of predicting when a drug taking teen is about to be picked off by the giant ghoul with the kitchen knife/machete/chainsaw/tomato? So here it is, my top ten favourite Halloween Horrors.

10. Let The Right One In

When this first came out, I must admit, I thought it was just another foreign language film doomed to be fawned over by the pretentious section of cinema goers. I'm glad I was wrong. Let The Right One In is a brilliant and refreshing new take on the vampire genre in a time where we have to suffer through vampires being the new fad, a great big thank you to that sparkly prat and his hairy werewolfy chum. None of that here. Nope, here we have a constantly eerie, and yet weirdly charming tale of a young boy who is bullied, and who stumbles upon an odd little girl who doesn't quite seem right. If nothing else, this piece of Swedish magnificence forces you to think about the what-ifs of vampire life...or undeath...or....something like that.

9. The Mist

Just one of many Stephen King novels to have been thrown at the big screen, and one which certainly works better than a bulk of the ones the author didn't want adapted, The Mist is probably one of the most disturbing films you're likely to see. Simple enough prospect; in true King style, everything is pretty much hunky-dory in Smalltown America, but things are bubbling under...and a portal to another dimension is accidentally opened by we silly humans. Now what you get is enormous bugs, and unseen horrors lurking in the eponymous mist that engulfs the town, but it is the social politics ripping through the survivors which is more disturbing. Extremist religious nutjobs and the suspicious hillbillies threaten our heroes throughout. Don't watch if you don't like really deep, really...really emotionally scarring endings, because that's certainly what you get here. Oh, and it's done by serial King adaptor Frank Darabont, who also did The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and current TV greatness, The Walking Dead, so you know it's good.

8. Dawn Of The Dead

If you haven't seen this, there is something wrong with you, there really is. George A. Romero's Dawn Of The Dead is, in my opinion the seminal zombie movie. The tale of survivors of the ongoing zombie apocalypse taking refuge in a shopping mall has become so ingrained into the minds of film fans that the majority of us can't help but form zombie contingency survival plans for pretty much every building we enter...especially shopping centres now. Rammed with cheeky humour (everyone in a shopping mall is a zombie...hur hur) and genuine scares throughout, the film even had time to produce a classic quote of movie history: When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.

7. 28 Days Later

Fairly quickly after George A. Romero's first few Dead offerings, the zombie genre died a death, and didn't crawl back out of the grave, clawing for our brains until 2002, when Danny Boyle gave us 28 Days Later. Basically, this story took our ideas of "what if zombies actually happened" and showed us just that. It's a modern zombie film, with all the daftness and camp taken out, meaning that it's really quite brutal. Anyone who has seen it will remember the truly mesmerising scene of our hero, seemingly the sole survivor of a virus ravaged London walking through the notable streets of the capital, totally alone, not a soul in sight. 28 Days Later makes zombies seem possible, and for that reason alone...it'll scare you out of most of your pants.

6. Shaun Of The Dead

The third and final zombie flick of the bunch, and it's definitely a goodun. Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's Shaun Of The Dead is both an absolutely hilarious comedy film and a genuinely chilling horror movie. Inspired by an episode of the equally brilliant Spaced, this is a film that lets a close group of zombie fans deliver countless tributes to their favourites of the genre, either by making you laugh or recoil in horror. Whether it's simply "You've got red on you" or the lovingly stolen "We're coming to get you Barbara!", Shaun Of The Dead knows what it's doing, and it'll confuse you...you want to laugh at it all the way through, but you can't help be scared by it.

5. The Innocents

Time for an oldie, but make no mistakes about it, it may have just reached a half century, but The Innocents is one of the most haunting (literally) films you're ever likely to see. Based on stage adaptation of Henry James' The Turn Of The Screw, this is the tale of a governess who takes charge of the two children left in a stately home by their nonchalant uncle, but things seem to be awry from the very off. The housemaid seems to believe in pretending to get rid of a problem...and the previous two members of staff, having mysteriously died  seem to have a presence in the home. Are they really there...are they trying to possess the children? Who is that singing in the garden...who keeps appearing at the window...and who stands over the lake? Seriously, the lake and window scene actually scare the living bajeebuz out of me to this day. Oh, and if that's not enough, part of the soundtrack is used in the cursed videotape seen in The Ring, so yeah, it's pretty damn scary.

4. The Grudge

It was absolutely trashed by the critics, but seemingly loved by a large group of fans, it is, in my opinion, the king of the J-horror (...though really it's K-Horror) movement which swept Western audiences in the early 2000s, it's the pants wetting The Grudge. A remake of the South Korean Ju-on: The Grudge. The story ropes you in, simply because you realise that no matter what you do, this curse is going to claim you. The feeling of helplessness really makes you squirm for the victims, not to mention the fact that tiny, blue-tinted Asian boys who meow are apparently UNBELIEVABLY CREEPY. And then you have the lovely Kayako, the lady of the haunted house, who is quite probably one of the most terrifying creations of cinema history. The bone creaking, throat rattling spindly onryu ghost reminds you of The Ring...but she doesn't just come out of the television...just you try hiding from her...I don't recommend under the duvet.

3. The Shining

Again, if you haven't seen this film, there's something wrong with you, The Shining has become a classic of cinema itself, nevermind horror. Stanley Kubrick's take on Stephen King's masterpiece is the example of tension and suspense...plus a masterclass in psychotic breakdowns from Jack Nicholson. This story has made us creeped out by hotels, which takes some doing. Any number of scenes can be chosen to scare you, whether it's the waterfall of blood, the exchange with Lloyd the barman or those exceptionally shudder-inducing twins, the film may not be as ground-breaking in scares as it was upon first release, but I dare any first time viewers to not freak out a little when watching Mr Torrance snap. After all, all work and no play...

2. The Thing

The 1980s brought us many things, and unfortunately, many of them we can't forgive...mullets, lycra and Madonna, for a start. But the 80s did give us something we should forever be grateful for: movie special effects. The Thing is a classic example of why you don't need CGI to impress or terrify, when a much more gruesome effect can be achieved by the prop department. The story of an ice base team set upon by an alien which can take the shape of seemingly any living thing. The paranoia and claustrophobia alone are enough to put the shivers in you, but then there's the Thing itself, which we never see in a natural form, only in the disgustingly mutated shape of the crew and even their huskies. The infamous "head spider" scene has got to be one of the most memorable of any film, and I'll be amazed if you get the same stomach-churning, flesh tearing effect from a computer that you get here. Truly disgusting, but absolutely brilliant.

1. Halloween

Okay, I know it looks like a massive cliche to pick this as my favourite Halloween Horror, but all gimmickyness aside, Halloween deserves the top spot. For a start, it jump-started the slasher genre, which hadn't really been done properly since Psycho, eighteen years earlier. But secondly, and most importantly, it was one of the first films to successfully merge the supernatural and the truly normal. What could be more scary than a perfectly ordinary, sleepy suburb, in the middle of celebrating the spooky holiday in the true American style, whilst unwittingly being invaded by the seemingly indestructible, unstoppable and damn right evil serial killer, Michael Myers. Society tends to be fascinated by serial killers, we tend to assign a supernatural element to them, so therefore it seems only natural that Michael Myers actually becomes the supernatural whilst on his rampage. Officially credited as "The Shape", Myers moves almost entirely silently, and simply stands in view of his victims, whether that be in plain sight in the street, or partially obscured by their laundry (probably the scariest image in most horror films I've seen), he simultaneously sneaks up on his targets, and announces himself without hiding. Yep, Halloween embodies the spirit of the holiday, no matter how old we get, we're always guilty of thinking that the boogeyman is waiting for us somewhere, and who says that it's not Myers who makes us want to sprint up the stairs like little girls when we turn off the light at night?


Thank you for reading, and let me know which films tickle your Halloween-y fancy, as I know I missed out some great ones.

Happy Halloween to you all.

Johnny English Reborn

Brace yourselves...it's time for a review of one of the least expected sequels of all time. Rowan Atkinson returns as Johnny English Reborn.

If, like me, you were a big fan of Johnny English, you're probably a massive fan of Rowan Atkinson in general. Frankly, I'd probably pay to see him in anything up to and including a one-man-show remake of Terminator 2, Alien and The Shawshank Redemption. However, like me, even as a fan you were probably thinking that despite a cult following, it wasn't really popular enough to get a sequel, let alone that one should come out eight years after the original, when pretty much every one had forgotten about the first. But NO! NO! Said Hollywood...Well, Atkinson and the writing staff really. But I'm glad they did.

Let's get this straight, no one going to see this is expecting to see a genuinely great piece of cinema, and more over, no one is really expecting the story being told to be anything more than a vehicle for spy spoofs, but what you should expect, is that any film with Rowan Atkinson attached is going to be a comedy treat with bells on it. And that's exactly what this sequel delivers.

Simply put, JER runs very similarly to the first, but plays off on the predecessor for the benefit of the fans. A great deal of the jokes are made with reference to English's previous bumblings in either the first film or the gap in between, and it's still absolutely hilarious. The plot of the film itself is essentially an amalgamation of GoldenEye and Die Another Day, spoofed in the way only we British folk can: slapsticktastically. If nothing else, this will be a guaranteed guilty pleasure for most people, as you'll catch yourself laughing even when you recognise that some of the humour is occasionally a bit cheesey.

Personally, it's something of a joy to see Atkinson back on the screen after a four year absence, because the man is a national treasure. There's a reason he's heralded as one of the finest comedy actors around, and oddly enough, Johnny English is one of the perfect characters for him to display it: he does the goofed up suave spoofs and the completely ludicrous rubber-faced classics of his Mr. Bean days (particularly shown off in the brilliantly daft Rocky-montage-ish Monk scene at the start). He is certainly the star of the show, as the screen time is almost entirely dedicated to him, and you can't help but love him.

As for the support, Rosamund Pike makes you laugh simply by recalling that she played a similar role in a Bond film ten years ago, and Gillian Anderson gives a performance you'd expect from an 'M' of a spy film. However, the secret pleasure we get out of all the support is that Tim McInnery joins Atkinson on screen once more, as his 'Q', Patch Quartermaine. McInnery's appearance reminds you just a tad of Darling in Blackadder, which as we all know, is certainly not a bad thing. The only shame is that Ben Miller's character from the first film, Bough is not seen at any point, and a daft cameo would very much have been appreciated by the fans.

Overall, this is a 'you get what you pay for' film. You turn up expecting a daft hour and a half of Rowan Atkinson doing what he does best, and in no way do you leave disappointed. Complaints? If I have any, they would simply be MORE, the second half of the film tends to leave you waiting longer between gags than the first, but when they arrive, they're usually spot on.

3/5 - I'm certainly not saying it's bad, because it's not (I was genuinely surprised by this), but it's not going to be the best comedy you're likely to find at the cinema. However, it certainly makes you laugh, and...well...It's Rowan Atkinson again!

P.S. Stick around after the credits for a great Morecambe and Wise style kitchen musical number.

2012 Films We Needs To See!

Otherwise known as the 'I Haven't Been To The Cinema In Ages' blog, this time will be looking at some of the movies coming out next year...most of which I'm unbelievably excited for. Some are also a bit pants looking. But hey-ho, roll with the punches and all that.

First up is a horror film which actually creeped me out in the trailer, The Woman In Black.

Okay, this film has a lot of pressure on it already...Daniel Radcliffe is going to have to do very well for people to take it seriously without shouting out "DERRR...WHY DON'T HE DONE USE A PATRONUS". But this film is based on a pretty scary Victorian-style novel, and adapted for the big screen by Jane Goldman, who was also responsible for Stardust, Kick-Ass and X-Men: First Class, so yeah, it's got good foundations. And in terms of good horror, Victorian-style is probably the best...it brings us right back to chain rattling, corridor bothering spirits that we'll all wet our pants at without wanting to admit it... How many of us run up the stairs when we turn out the light in case a shadowy thing we can't quite see chases us? Yep, that's basically what we're talking about in this film. Radcliffe plays a lawyer seeking to sort out the legal issues of a recently deceased woman, and stays in a house plagued by supernatural mischief. Check the trailer out...I can't wait.

Second...the culmination of all the fantastic super-heroe movies... The Avengers.

I really don't think there's much I need to say abouOH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING! Look at it, we'll have Robert Downey Jnr as Iron Man, Chris Evans as Captain America, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff and Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk (no picture yet) just to name a few. Oh, and it's directed by Joss Wheadon, responsible for Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Speed, Toy Story and Thor. So yes. It's going to be brilliant, I mean...come on! Definitely fake, but still entertaining trailer here.

Neeext, and it's a sci-fi piece of greatness. Prometheus.

Here it is: a new piece of the Alien franchise actually directed by Ridley Scott. After watching the series get absolutely butchered by Alien Vs Predator, it would seem Mr Scott (Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Kingdom Of Heaven, American Gangster...) has decided to go back and save his baby. Prometheus is, however, not strictly speaking a prequel. In fact, Scott has distanced it from the franchise slightly, however, the basis of the story is set 30 years prior to the first Alien outing, and explores the first possible encounters with creatures and technology seen in the other films. It stars Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender and Guy Pearce. And it's going to be spiffing. Possibly fake trailer here.

Like you need an introduction for the next one: The Dark Knight Rises.

Unless you're a bit weird, you loved The Dark Knight, so unless you're still a bit weird, you'll definitely be waiting on the edge of your seat for this, the final part in Christopher Nolan's Batman series. This time Christian Bale and Gary Oldman are battling against Anne Hathaway's Catwoman, and Tom Hardy's Bane. Along with pretty much every one else who was in Inception. You know what to expect from this, and if it's anything like the first two, it's going to be simply fantastic. And now that we know gadgets like the batwing (a ridiculously cool plane for Batman, in case you needed to know) have been thrown in, I think I safely predict that we're all in for a bit of a treat. Trailer fun here.

Penultimate one I'm going to mention is a zombie apocalypse giant, World War Z.

It's not out until December 2012, so doesn't have a poster yet, but basically here's the jist: Brad Pitt is a UN employee travelling the world, interviewing the survivors of the zombie apocalypse, known as World War Z. It's based on the novel by Max Brooks (son of living movie god Mel), a book so popular upon it's release, you'd be hard pushed to find one in twenty people who hadn't at least heard of it. I have high hopes.

And finally, the one I really am looking forward to the most... The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

Again, this one comes out too far into the future to have a poster just yet, but things really are coming together quite nicely. After a scare of whether or not it would happen, due to changes in director, Peter Jackson, the man who brought us the Lord Of The Rings films decided to step in...like anyone else should do it instead! If you've read the novel, you probably fell a little bit in love with it, and it couldn't be in safer hands than with Mr. Jackson. The cast has pretty much all been announced, the notable members include: Martin Freeman as Bilbo, Sir Ian Holm returns as the older Bilbo, Sir Ian McKellen (!) returns as Gandalf, Richard Armitage as Thorin, Andy Serkis returns as Gollum, Hugo Weaving returns as Elrond, Cate Blanchett returns as Galadriel, Christopher Lee returns as Saruman, and small cameo roles are give to Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom as Frodo and Legolas respectively. Even Stephen Fry has a part, as the Master Of Lake-Town. And probably the most bizarre member of the cast, as the Great Goblin, is Barry Humphries...yes, that's Dame Edna.

Look, I don't need to sell this to you, it's going to be easily in the top three best performing films of the next five years, never mind next year. Millions of us will see it, and millions of us will love returning to Middle Earth again. And no, I honestly do not care just how splendidly nerdish that sounds.

Before I leave you (and you've done well to stick with it this long), it would also seem that 2012 is going to be the year of flogging a dead horse. Next year there will be unexpected (and most likely unwanted) new offerings in the following franchises: Underworld, Journey To The Centre Of The Earth, Clash Of The Titans, American Pie (actually featuring the original cast), Scary Movie, Men In Black (even including Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones....somehow) and G.I. Joe. At least there'll be a new James Bond to look forward to then.

Finally, in terms of reboot or remakes, expect to find Ghost Rider back again...even with Nicholas Cage...Yep, I have no idea how they let him have another crack at it either, a new Judge Dredd film, with Karl Urban trying to get rid of Sly Stallone's version for us... And last and definitely not least, the new version of Spider-Man comes out, which might actually you know...be good.

Thanks for reading if you managed to stick with it.